Greetings

Greetings Fellow Traveler,

It is wonderful to meet you! It is always such an honor to run into another universe of a being, a whole constellation of experiences and memories, hopes and dreams, an entity formed by the beautiful organized chaos of existence with its own unique perceptions and perspectives.

I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself, from the core of my being, to open the possibility that we might communicate to one another, soul to soul.

I love you.

I want you to experience all the wonderfulness life has to offer, and all the growth you are able to manage. That might mean pain and loss, but every loss makes space for something else wonderful, and I hope that is always the case for you. I want you to stand and love yourself and love others, openly, freely, wholly, and without fear.

I will do what I can to support you in this endeavor, although it may not always look like you want it to. I hope that you love me enough to tell me no, if what you need for wholeness is to refuse what I want. I will do my utmost to love you enough to tell you no, to share my truth and my honesty with you, if I cannot give what you need without destroying myself.

But I’ll make mistakes. So will you. We are human and that is what we do. That’s okay. I still love you. I can forgive you, even if I can’t return to the place we had before. I still hope that life brings you to the highest point you are capable of achieving, no matter how much pain or suffering your presence has brought to my world. Because loss is also a gift. I try to accept that gift, even if I do it imperfectly, because I want to love you enough to hear you when you say no.

I want to share what we can share together, in joy, in pain, in wonder, as long as it is mutual, as long as we both share it freely. I want to listen, to hear your stories ringing out of your heart, your magnificent beacon of being that you pour into our shared reality. These are the lifelines of our connection to one another, the way we communicate and replicate, and cross the vast distances between one being and another.

I want you to flourish. I want you to grow. I want to meet, and meet again, in the many forms we all take, in the many persons we are throughout our life, and in the ever present unfolding we live in each moment.

And I want to part ways, because at the end of it all, we each have our own paths to wander, and I would not dream to follow another’s. Nor would I steal yours from you by forcing you to walk mine. We forge our journey forward and upward, together but ever separate.

You are you. This is the best compliment I can pay you. You are everything you want to be, and everything you think yourself capable of becoming. You have already touched my life, and I have touched yours. Our fates have collided and who knows for how briefly or how long? But now we have seen each other.

If we are never to meet again, farewell. I will hold you in my unconscious memory if not my conscious one. You have been the flapping of a butterfly’s wings into my world, whether you were ever aware of it or not.

If we are destined to share some bit of life together, I look forward to knowing more of you, even as I know I can never know all of you, nor you all of me. For we are all ever shifting beings, and keeping up with ourselves is challenging enough.

Thank you for the gift of your presence. Thank you for the gift of your absence. Thank you for being you and for the place you hold in my world and any other. Thank you for the lessons you teach me, the pleasures you bring me, and the pain you show me I’m strong enough to endure.

I love you.

Just Because

Ablaze

Sneaking into my head again
Unbidden
Tantalizing pieces of fantasy
Imagined things
No matter how often I banish them
It is never long
Before I am again ensnared
Daydreaming
Lost in thought

And now
With words reaching out to me
Buttons pushed
And suggestions more maddeningly insistent
I find myself caught
Again and again
In delicious fragments
Of the delightful things I can imagine
And even these
Enough to catch my breath
To stun me momentarily

What, then, is the reality to be?
When my senses are flooded
With those things I cannot successfully create within my mind
Smells
Touches
Presence
When the keening builds to a fever pitch
An unbearable, unrelenting burning
That threatens to tear my sanity from me

What overwhelming blaze are we to ignite?
Scintillating stroking
Eliciting tingling electric energy
Charging heart pounding
Dissolution
Into waves of ecstasy
Blending boundaries
Becoming
Joining
Joy

We fight fire with fire
Should we be concerned
Playing with flames like this?
Remembering what we must
To enjoy the heat
The light
The beauty
And destroying only that which wants oblivion.

This is something I wrote while solidly in new relationship energy with a long distance partner at the time.  I hadn’t been able to meet them face to face yet, but I was very eager to do so.  He and I communicated mainly via email, and sometimes wrote poetry back and forth to each other.  While the relationship ended before we could meet, I still love this poem as one of the spicier things I’ve written.  🙂

Bigger Than This

Shackled and chained
Throughout my life
Guilt my master
You should do this
You must do that
This is your duty

Fighting at first
But always knocked down
Punished
This is for your own good

Tired of struggling
Succumbing now
To believe I’m wrong
I’m wrong
Something in me is dirty and wrong
I must be wrong
Stop trying to make sense of it

Until like a circus elephant
Internalized the mantra
The chain is there with my permission
I don’t know any different
I believe it is right
To use my power to escape these chains
That would be selfish
That would be wrong
Even if I could
I shouldn’t

Until a gentle lupine figure
Loping into my life
Neatly dodging chains
Unaffected
Brazen
Strong

And sees me

And says

You’re bigger than this

Terrifying words
Soft spoken gentle resonance
Growing within in pitch and volume
Until they rattle and shake through everything that is me
Demanding freedom
Resounding inexorably through heart and soul

This is right!

The chains are wrong
The masters are wrong
I’m no longer too small
Too weak to defend myself
Too scared to try

You’re bigger than this

Ready now to own my self
To stand up
To speak clearly
To stop accepting chain after chain
To break them with the ease I know is possible
With the strength that has always lived in me

I was the only one who could hold me down
I was the only one who could reign me in
This is why they taught me to do so
No more

You’re bigger than this

Yes I am.

This is a poem I wrote in honor of a person that is very special to me.  I was going through a very chaotic and painful time in my life, and as I started telling this person some of what was happening to me, they looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re bigger than this.  This is pretty bad, but you’re bigger than this.”  Those words stuck with me through all the following months, any time I wanted to doubt myself or give up.  These were the words that finally gave me the strength to start believing in myself, and to hold on to that in the face of what seemed like an insurmountable series of losses.  Thank you.